Wednesday, 23 March 2016

The "I Don't Know What To Do With My Life" Meltdown


We've all been there (I hope.) But, for me, it only takes the smallest of things to send me into a full on frenzy about wtf I'm actually doing with my life. And, for some reason, venting my feelings out on here actually seems to be the best way to try and help myself snap out of it (which is definitely better than wallowing in bed with a Dominos, after all, which is what I was considering to begin with)...

I graduated uni in June 2014. Coming up close to the 2 year mark, soon. Am I doing anything with my degree? Nope, not at this moment of time. I did get a graduate job for a year but I hated it and I quit, to cut a long story short. I went into one of these "WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?" moods that I'm having right now and decided that maybe I just needed to do something completely different.

So, now I'm going back to uni (sort of) in September to train to be a teacher. Or am I? I'm now at a point, right now, where I'm like, "Do I defo want to do this?" But I know, on other days, I'll be certain it is what I want to do. Truthfully, I don't think I'll know until I actually end up doing it. Which is exactly what happened with my previous career. It took actually working the job, day in, day out, to know it wasn't the right thing, for me. And I think that's the case with anything. We can envision how perfect a job might be, or how right for us a uni course seems - but until we actually do it - how can we really be certain?

Which is why I think these "I don't know what to do with my life" meltdowns are inevitable. Especially in a time where it seems like careers are everything and like we have to impress. Because how are you supposed to ever afford a mortgage, after all, unless you're on a half decent salary? How are you supposed to explain to people that you spent three years doing a degree to only end up working in a field that you worked in before you even started said degree? And how are you supposed to feel when all your friends are in seemingly high-flying careers, loving life, and you can't even decide what to have for dinner? It's a hard life, huh?

For me, being happy is the most important thing. I know that sounds silly because who doesn't want to be happy, after all? But I'm not willing to sacrifice happiness for a job, or money or anything else. I've reached a point where I know that I'm happy with my relationship, my friendships, my family - pretty much everything apart from what I want to do career-wise. But, sometimes, that just seems like the be all and end all. Because a job not only pays the bills but, in some peoples eyes, it defines you. It puts a label on you. "Teacher", "Shop Assistant", "Lawyer". They all come with connotations and will have different perceptions from different people. At the end of the day, it may summarise what you do but it in no way summaries who you are. So, I lied. It doesn't define you, at all.

Personally, I'm just not willing to do a job that puts me down. That makes me dread Monday's. That makes me want to hide under the duvet the minute I get home and feel like never getting out.

So, maybe I don't know what I want to do with my life, career-wise, but I do know that I want a life where I feel like I have something to get out of bed for. Where I feel healthy and genuinely happy. And have things to look forward to and be excited about. Life is way too short to worry about what we could or should be doing when, really, we should be embracing what we have and what we can do, right now.

That's enough rambling from me, today.

Anyone else in the same boat and having a bit of a quarter life crisis?!

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